The comments are based on Nicholas Teo’s blog post:
Our lives have improved as a result of computers. Do you agree?
To start, you have a very good introduction. You start off with a quote from a famous person but after that, you should not have just rephrased or copy the demands of the question. Change the content into simpler words and define the keyword such as “improved”. However, most importantly, there is a huge weakness in your essay. Out of your 3 body paragraphs, 2 of them have been focused on education, which is not expected of this question. The question is asking for the demands of the society and community, not only appealing to teachers and students but rather the general audience.
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