Expository Essay - Comment 4

The comments are based on Ivan Ong’s blog post:
Should entertainers and sport stars be paid such large sums of money? What are your views?

I feel that in general, it is a pretty good exposition. Your introduction is well written by giving a huge figure and fact that hooks people but I would suggest you to change the last sentence because it is just copying the question. You could have changed it to “Do they deserve this kind of life?” I felt that there were overlapping points in paragraphs 1 and 2 because high demand means the audience wants to see them. However, your second point is not totally wrong, however, you should have changed the point to “Money needed for Behind-the-Scenes Job”. Lastly, your ending also seems like a point, do try to change it to a proper summary which reaffirms your thesis.